Friday, August 21, 2009

Chuck the Writer notes Megan Hauserman was DAMN LUCKY Ryan Jenkins didn't become HER millionaire

Okay. Before I start this post, although I've got my full-fledged snark on, my sincere thoughts and prayers go to the friends and family of Jasmine Fiore. What happened to her should never happen to any one, and the sadistic and brutal and misogynistic evisceration was undoubtedly the shameful work of a sadist.

Without having to defend my appreciation of trainwreck reality television (yeah, if there's a hottie being pursued by 20 guys, or a rock star getting pursued by 17 hotties, and it's on VH1, I'm watching it), I've been following closely the Ryan Alexander Jenkins criminal manhunt.

Unless you've been living under a rock, Ryan was one of the 20 eligible millionaires looking to woo the heart of Megan Hauserman, the anorexic ferret-faced lazy-eyed Playboy cybergirl Paris Hilton wannabe whose 15 minutes of fame is bordering on 14:45 and ticking.

Anyways, the premise of this show is - after Megan got turned down by Bret Michaels, came in third place on the reality competition show I Love Money, and got her hair weave torn out by Sharon Osbourne in Rock of Love Girls: Charm School, VH1 gave her her own dating show, where she got to pick from several different eligible bachelors - each with at least a net worth of over a million dollars.

Anyways, among the trust fund babies and older-than-dirt Hollywood producers was Ryan Jenkins. Now if you haven't seen Megan Wants a Millionaire (it only had three episodes aired before VH1 pulled the entire show off the network), you don't know how Ryan Jenkins operated and interacted with Megan Hauserman.

Luckily for you... I have the three episodes on my computer.

No, I'm not going to post them here. Nice try.

What I AM going to do, however, is give you at least a word-for-word transcript of the conversations Ryan Jenkins had with Megan, with the other men in the dating house, and his "confessional" interviews (which I suspect, with all the VH1 dating and competition shows, were taped months after the series ended filming, and were interspersed with the original action).

So grab some popcorn - and since this is involving one of those Rock of Love girls, have some Bactine handy -


Megan stands in front of the obligatory VH1 mansion, waiting to greet her eligible suitors. After sixteen suitors arrive, Ryan Jenkins, the last suitor, steps out of the limousine.
RYAN: Hello, Megan.
MEGAN: Look... we're matching already. (both Megan's minidress and Ryan's button-down shirt are purple)
RYAN: We are matching. Have you met any Canadians before?
MEGAN: Never.
RYAN: Well, it's about time, don't you think?
MEGAN: Absolutely.
RYAN: Can I let you in on a little secret?
MEGAN: Please do.
Ryan brings Megan close and whispers in her ear.
MEGAN (to camera): Ryan whispers in my ear... you're going to love Canadian bacon. (giggling)
RYAN: Save me a spot for dinner, okay?
Later in the episode, Megan gives each suitor gifts - everything from fuzzy handcuffs (for a guy nicknamed "Sex Toy Dave") to a glittering piggy bank for one of the trust fund babies. Ryan is one of the last to receive a gift.
RYAN: I'm a little bit of a Prince Charming, a little bit of a bad boy.
MEGAN (to camera): Yummy.
Megan gives him his gift.
MEGAN: It's a pimp cup!
RYAN (to camera): I typically date girls that turn a lot of heads. I love the chase.
Later, Megan meets with several of the suitors in a social mixer.
MEGAN: So you think that you could leave Canada?
RYAN: Well, I can do my job anywhere.
MEGAN: So why do you live there?
RYAN: I can't legally work here unless I'm married.
MEGAN: Oh... So you're using me for a green card.
RYAN: I tell you this. When we get married - I won't get you to sign a pre-nup.
RYAN (to camera): Megan was definitely into me, and I'm definitely into her. And I'm definitely not going home tonight.
Ryan survives the first round of eliminations.


Megan asks the suitors to create a gift for her for Valentine's Day. Ryan gives her a card.
RYAN: I decided to appeal to all your senses, and first I'd like to start with your mouth.
MEGAN: My mouth is not a sense, though.
RYAN: So this is your mind -
MEGAN: That's not a sense either, but we'll go with it. Because you're so cute.
Not much of Ryan in this episode. But he stays on for another week.


The challenge for the rich dudes involved them designing a promotional campaign for Megan's pet chihuahua, Lily. We start the episode with Ryan chatting with two other suitors on a sunny lawn outside the mansion.
RYAN: There's a few different kinds of girls in my book, I narrowed it down to three. You got your Princess, you got your Betty, you got your Playa. My book's all about the three main types of girls you're gonna like, and the approaches you use with them.
RYAN (to camera): I've always rolled on kind of an echelon, and I've never really rolled with any girls that could keep up with me.
RYAN: Like working on the first draft or whatever.
RYAN (to camera): I need to hold a clinic for these dudes, just to teach them a little bit of game.
RYAN: You know what I'm calling it - The Ins and Outs: A Playa's Guide to Success.
Ryan's team wins the Lily challenge. As team captain, Ryan gets a solo date with Megan.

As part of the date, Ryan spent money to "upgrade" his date with Megan, so instead of a picnic, he takes her to an exclusive French restaurant, couriered in an Aston Martin DB-9.
RYAN: Look at you, gorgeous.
MEGAN: Hi, Ryan.
RYAN (to camera): I hear the click of Megan's heels on the hardwood floor, and I see her legs slowly emerge, and then boom, she's gorgeous, I know I've got the keys in my pocket to an extremely exotic car, and I know she's gonna be happy.
They go to the restaurant. Ryan orders a bottle of champagne and they drink the bubbly beverage in long slender glass flutes.
MEGAN: What do you plan on doing this summer?
RYAN: You'd look good in a bikini with sand stuck to your butt. And I'll rub some coconut oil on your back.
MEGAN: That's what I was thinking.
Although we don't get to see any other episodes, there are some clips in the "coming up on the season of Megan Wants a Millionaire" that bear noting. Ryan tosses a drink at another contestant (Al), who rips his shirt off and looks like he's about to throw down. Al later confides in Megan (while Al's massaging Megan's back) that Ryan may have bragged about other girls that he has conquered.

So were there signs right there on the TV show that Ryan Jenkins might have been a whack job? Or did he completely baffle everyone on the show - the producers, the directors, the other men in the house, Megan - convincing all of them that he was just a normal millionaire?

And there's one thing that's still unanswered. And it may never get answered.


Personally, I'm betting on either Big Mike or Sex Toy Dave. Sounds like both of those would be right up her alley.

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